It has now been 8 1/2 months. Had I carried my baby to my due date, I would have a 2 week old baby in my arms. I don't have a baby in my arms, but I do have joy and peace that I will one day be rejoicing with my sweet baby in Heaven. Worshiping our King together. Knowing that has made this experience a blessing.
This past year has been so painful. My faith has been challenged and strengthened. Within just a month or two I had lost my baby, my Grandpa, my Great Grandma, and my cousin to cancer in his early 20's, and saw one of my best friends lose her dad to cancer. The loss of my family members still does not seem real. I felt guilty that the loss of my baby made these other things seem less important. Maybe God used my own loss to draw me to Him and gave me peace that what matters is eternal and He is King. He rules over all, even death. God did give me peace about the loss of each of my family members I lost. My reaction to it all was not as expected and the reality is becoming more clear as time goes on.
I remember vividly putting my complete trust in God when I cried out to him nearly 5 years ago that I was done relying on myself for things and was giving it all to Him. He was faithful and He had my trust completely. I thought that was a normal, easy thing for all new Christians. I have learned trust doesn't come easy for everyone, but it did for me. I have never not trusted God fully, until I lost my baby. I was overcome with fear. I didn't realize the extent of it until just recently, but I had become a slave to this fear.
My fear was not that I would miscarry again. It wasn't that I wouldn't get pregnant again. My fear was that I would be afraid my entire pregnancy if I did get pregnant. I love being pregnant so much. I did not want to be worried of what could happen. I was afraid of being afraid. The very thing I used to get frustrated over when others simply didn't trust God. Funny how that happens. My husband for example is a worrier. He worries about things that may happen. I have made fun of him and gotten frustrated by this very thing. And now it was me.
I personally did not struggle seeing other women pregnant, or when friends who were pregnant at the same time as me were having their babies, or even when it came to my own due date. I know many women who have had these challenges. I am so thankful I did not have that added emotional stress. Thank you Jesus.
My challenge came after the two months were up that the doctor told me to wait to try to get pregnant again. Now it was up to us to decide when to try again. I knew I wasn't ready. I told Luke how I felt and he was absolutely ok with waiting, although I knew he was ready. There was no pressure to try again. We know we are blessed by the two beautiful children God has blessed us with. For me it wasn't a question of if we would try again, but when. I just knew I wasn't ready yet.
Every month when it was time to decide if we would try or not, I would have a major emotional break down. Poor Luke. I was so afraid of getting pregnant and being afraid, that I allowed myself to become unaffectionate with Luke. I knew that each month I was going to break down. In a serious, ugly way. I knew that Luke supported my decision and was so loving and comforting to me. I still allowed myself to feel guilty for not being ready. This is where I felt I wasn't trusting God. That I was relying on myself to make decisions about getting pregnant. I questioned whether I was trusting God or being selfish in allowing my feelings to get in the way of allowing God to bless me.
I was praying to God, but I often didn't even know what to pray for. I didn't have words to say. I didn't want to talk about what I was feeling, because I was sad and afraid. I didn't want Luke to worry about me or for me. I couldn't put my own thoughts together in my mind, so how could I share my thoughts with him or even with God. Thankfully God knows my heart before I even think or speak.
Physically, I never had any pain from the miscarriage. However, my periods were horrible for 6 months. They were so heavy and I had cramps worse than I can remember. And to add to the fun, my cycle was 23 days. I swear I felt like I was having 2 a month! One month I felt like I was ready to try again. That month I had the worst period of all. The bleeding was so heavy, I thought I was having another miscarriage. This changed my mind about being ready all over again.
I was surprised how many women have experienced a miscarriage. My heart breaks for all of these mamas. I was also surprised at how many women had shared their story with me and yet didn't relate with my same struggles and experience. That was challenging. It took nearly 6 months before I talked with a friend that had the same feelings and worries. She didn't even specifically have a miscarriage, but took years to get pregnant and then had the fears of what could happen to her baby she was carrying. I shared in my previous post that I saw gray tissue that looked like a tiny cord and sac. I had still not heard anything like this until my friend shared what she saw. That somehow made me feel more sane and comforted me.
After talking with these two dear friends and sharing our experiences and relating in a way that I hadn't yet was so uplifting, encouraging, and healing. I hate that they have gone through it, but what a blessing that God uses our struggles for each other's good.
I shared with the women in my small group from church how each month I had this major breakdown and the fears that I had. It was then that I realized how fearful I was. That I had let it overcome me. I feared each month making a decision. I pulled away from being affectionate with Luke. I was not trusting God fully. I was broken.
It was just a couple of days later that I gave it all back to God. I told Luke that I was so sick of being afraid and that the only way to get over my fear was to dive right in.
I went to a Women's Retreat with women from church. God broke me there. I had put up walls and He broke them down and revealed to me many things that I need to give to Him completely. He used this experience to show me that I was not being emotionally vulnerable with Luke. I realized that I was bitter. He would excitedly ask, "Do you think you are pregnant?!" I did not share his excitement and was hurt by it. I came home and apologized and God is strengthening our relationship more and more each day.
I shared with my group about my miscarriage and that I just wanted to trust God again like I used to. I was gently told by one woman that God doesn't want me to trust like I used to. He wants my trust in a whole new way. I was floored by that. She is right. What a blessing her words were to my soul.
I have learned that God may give me struggles not just to teach me. He may give me struggles so that I can share with others. It is not about me. It is all about God and for His glory to be seen.
After coming home from that retreat, I have realized that God has redeemed this entire experience. He has freed me from being a slave to the fear that once gripped me. He is Holy. Sovereign. My Father who loves me more than I can ever love my own children.
Update: I want to add this journal entry from a Bible Study I was doing. It was dated March 10, 2014. Here's a link to the sermon that was so helpful for me. http://lifelinecommunity.com/sermons/ It is called From Womb to Tomb - Genesis 2.7-9. Dated January 19, 2014. By Pastor Bryan Hurlbutt. It is under the category Pro Life.
S- Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
O&A- Crazy how these verses have spoken deeply to my soul over the past 6 months since my miscarriage. I had been thinking about what exactly it meant to be "fearfully made". The following week was a sermon about abortion. God is so awesome how He answers questions at just the right time in such a meaningful way. I sobbed through the sermon about the thought of the perfect little baby God created even at only 6 weeks gestation. God took time to form each of us uniquely. Not only physically, but he created (that feels like the wrong word???) our souls. Formed. Knitted. Intricately woven. His eyes saw our unformed substance (our embryo). As an embryo we have all the properties of a human being. Everything we need to do all we can as an adult person. Our pastor explained this as taking a full sheet of paper and folding up into a tiny piece of paper. As it is unfolded you see that it was always had the properties of a full piece of paper, just in a different form. (That was a very poor explanation of his beautiful example.)
The following week I looked up fearfully: with great reverence and heart-felt interest and respect.
And wonderfully: unique, set apart, uniquely marvelous.
This was so beautiful to me. The thought of God taking time to create each and every single one of us. Especially at the time, my baby that is rejoicing with Jesus.
P- Dear God, Thank you for these verses again. I'm not sure I related to them the way most doing this study today did, but I am grateful that I got to ponder on them again today. This time miraculously without tears. Progress? I pray that you would continue to heal my heart and use my situation for Your glory and my good and to bless others through my struggle. I pray that in your perfect timing you would bless us with another perfect, fearfully and wonderfully made little baby. I pray that I would trust you and not be afraid. It is so hard. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen
Well, I made it without tears until typing, "It is so hard." Almost! ;)
It is great to be able to look back at this and see how God has answered my specific prayers. God is good.
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