My 3rd Pregnancy

My third pregnancy was cut short.  Way too short.  I still wanted to document this babies story.  Even though it isn’t the fun, exciting story I wish I could share. 

I miscarried at just 5 weeks.  One week after we got a positive pregnancy test.  The very night we told our families our exciting news.

We had been praying for a baby for 6 months.  We got pregnant right away with our first two.  I’m not sure if it was all the negative tests I had taken or if it was the extremely faint line we finally got that left me in disbelief from the beginning.  It was all so strange.  I had kept track of my cycle, which was 26 days since November with a couple 28 day cycles mixed in.  Never later than that.  This time, I didn’t get a positive test until I was 3 days late.  31 days.  I thought I had started on day 27, but it stopped.  I had taken 3 negative tests!  On day 31, I took another test.  Luke swore he saw a line.  It was like, if you hold it up in the right light MAYBE there was a line.  He insisted.  So, I took another one.  Another faint line, but not quite as faint.  I told him I still didn’t believe it and that I needed one that said “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant”. 

And it said, “Pregnant”.  It was even so fancy to tell me “1-2 Weeks Pregnant”.

I did not feel pregnant.  Other than the week leading up I had been extra tired and extra cranky.  Like, really cranky.  Which is how Luke knows I’m pregnant.  First sign.  Nothing else.  Oh, except that week I knew I was pregnant, all I wanted to eat were sweets.  Especially any cold, frozen sweet treat!

This time felt different.  It never felt real.  Neither of us felt the excitement we felt with my first two pregnancies.  Don’t get me wrong, we were excited.  It just felt different.

We took our first pregnancy pictures.

I sent Luke a picture saying, “Hi Daddy!” 

I had to be sneaky, because I was at the park with my sister and didn’t want her to see me taking pictures of my belly quite yet. 

I missed my belly in the first one and had to try again.

I didn’t want to tell anyone for awhile.  I had told my Mom and sisters about how weird it was that I was late and yet still had negative tests.  So, they had been asking if I had started.  I continued to tell them no.  I told Luke if they asked if I was pregnant, I would have to tell them.  They never did.  I laughed every time they asked if I had started, just waiting to tell them!  For a week, I even had pictures ready to send them of the tests I took!  Luke is usually so anxious to spill the beans that everyone knows as soon as we do. 

We waited. 

We were at the Bees baseball game exactly a week later with Luke’s whole family.  I was sitting with the girls and Luke had gone off with the guys.  I got excited and told him he could tell the guys and I’ll tell the girls, but the window of opportunity would close when he got back.  He said ok.  So, I had Zac tell Grandma Kelli and Aunt Faye, “Mom has a baby in her belly.”  He got shy and was too quiet for them to understand.  But, they got it eventually.  When Luke got back, I asked if he told them.  He didn’t.  Nice plan, right.  ;)  He wanted Zac to tell them.  So, it was the same quiet voice nobody understood.  Ha.  Everyone was excited!

I sent off this picture to my family saying, “Do you see a line?” 

Followed by, “Me neither, but Luke insisted that he did.  So, we took two more!” (or something like that).  Followed by this picture.

Everyone was so excited! 

That night just before putting the kids to bed, I noticed I was spotting.  It didn’t worry me.  Spotting is normal in early pregnancy. 

But, throughout the night it got heavier.  I knew.  It was too much.  I was up all night.  In the bathroom.  Just to see if it had stopped.  Instead it was more and more.  I told Luke I was nervous.  He was too.  We both knew.  And I knew there was nothing we could do. 

I called the doctor first thing Tuesday morning.  Luke and Lucy’s birthday.  Instead of making a first doctors appointment for my pregnancy, I was making a call to confirm a miscarriage. 

I went in that day to check my hCG levels and progesterone.  Luke left work and met me there to watch the kids.  We were back at the hospital where Lucy was born exactly 2 years ago.  I had already passed so much blood and clots.  I went to the bathroom before going to the lab.  I stopped midstream thinking “Wait! What if I need to pee in a cup!”  I quickly looked to see what else I had passed and notice gray tissue that looked like a tiny cord with a tiny sac at the end.  And since can not find anything that looks like what I saw.  I read about passing clots and gray tissue, just nothing like a cord.  Strange.  Anyway, I went and had my blood drawn (did not pee in a cup).  Results came a couple hours later.  My numbers were not as high as the nurse expected they would be (only 80).  She said that those are numbers of a 1-2 week pregnancy.  I would have been 5 weeks from my last missed period.  She said that it is likely a failed pregnancy.  It could be a chemical pregnancy, which I guess is where it would show up positive on a pregnancy test, but not physically yet on an ultrasound.  She told me, but was sure not to get my hopes up, that it could be a very early pregnancy.  And possibly an ectopic or tubal pregnancy.  I was told to come back for more testing in two days.

I sent my family a message with the bad news a day after I had told them the good news. 

I truly had peace.  I had told them that I was sad, but I had peace that God knows best.  I am so thankful that His plan is perfect and if this baby was not that, it was ok.  I can’t imagine going through this without knowing that.  Without God.  I can not imagine.  Not just this, but life.  How did I do it without God?  I didn’t have peace.  I was constantly frustrated that things didn’t go my way.  That’s how.

I really wasn’t very emotional.  Maybe not at all the first day.  Luke was more emotional than me, which is not normal.  I had been told what I already knew had happened.  I took in the facts and that was it.  Until that night.  Luke was doing what we do on birthdays.  He naturally was looking at Lucy’s baby pictures.  I cried.  I couldn’t look happily.  It hurt.

We had a busy week getting our house ready to put on the market.  Our real estate agent was coming Thursday to take pictures of our home.  I kept busy cleaning and getting things ready.  I didn’t think about what had happened, except every time I went to the bathroom and saw the bleeding.  Physically I really didn’t have any pain.  I felt some pressure like gas.  And I had gas.  Ha.  I’m so thankful that I didn’t have any pain.  Blessing.

Thursday, I dropped the kids off with a friend and went back to the lab.  Results were that my hCG had dropped.  They should double in 48 hours.  I talked to a different nurse than usual.  She confirmed that it was not looking good.  That it was looking like I was miscarrying.  I asked how long we needed to wait to try again.  Luke and I had talked briefly about whether or not we would want to.  Not sure how we felt.  I was relieved she told me to wait a couple months.  She would ask my doctor and let me know for sure how long she would recommend.  I was glad to have someone give me an answer, rather than decide that on my own.  Again, I took in the facts and was not emotional.  Our real estate agent got there just after I got the confirmation call.  Poor guy.  He’s a good friend that I worked with for years.  He asked how I was doing and I told him I had just gotten the call that I had miscarried.  He was the first person I told in person.  And he shared that his wife had one.  Crazy how common this is.  Other than our families, we had only told the four couples from our small group from church.  Even up to now,the only people we have told are our parents, siblings, small group, a friend we had a playdate with, and one other friend who texted and asked how school was going and how I was doing.

I was thankful that it was the ladies turn this week for meeting as a small group.  I am blessed with amazing Godly women that lift me up and encourage me.  We prayed together.  It was so good for me to hear their prayers and know that God hears our cries too. 

Then Friday came.  Another different nurse called me.  I later found out my usual nurse had a death in the family.  :(  She told me that my doctor recommends waiting for 2 normal periods before trying again.  Ok.  Relief.  An answer I didn’t have to make.  She proceeded to ask how I was doing.  Asked how the bleeding was.  It had slowed down on Thursday and picked back up a little again Friday morning.  She said that was normal and went on to tell me it sounded like everything was normal as far as a miscarriage goes.  She told me that if the bleeding got really heavy or if I had cramping that made me double over to go to the ER in case I was hemorrhaging or had an ectopic pregnancy.  Ok. 

Honestly, all I wanted to do that night was relax with a cocktail and watch Duck Dynasty with Luke.  So, I asked the nurse if alcohol would be ok.  There’s no baby, right.  After she just got done telling me that everything sounded like a normal miscarriage, she switched her tone and honestly I felt like she was giving me her personal opinion.  She said that I should go back in 10 days to make sure my numbers are below 5.  She said theoretically, yes I could have a drink, but maybe I should wait.  This is not about the alcohol.  I can wait.  I was so upset that by me asking if alcohol would be ok, that she changed her tone and acted like maybe there is hope.  I know that I have miscarried.  I was so frustrated that I thought this was all over and now I have to wait 10 more days to be sure.  I just want this to be done.  I don’t want to do anything stupid and if there is any chance there is a baby, I would not want to put my baby in danger.  I don’t want to get drunk.  I just wanted to relax and zone out for the evening. 

I got off the phone and I lost it.  I finally had a day with no plans.  The house was clean.  The emotions finally caught up to me.  Luke called and I told him what happened.  I cried.  He got home and I lost it.  I screamed.  Even swore.  In front of the kids.  And I went up to bed and cried for who knows how long.  We went out as a family that night.  I cried when I saw an old ultrasound picture at his parents house.  When we came home I cried and cried and cried some more until I fell asleep. 

Saturday was hard too.  Physically, the bleeding had pretty much stopped if not completely.  Emotionally I was just sad. 

One day my stomach was just sore. I’m sure from flushing everything out. My body has been working hard.  I was not far enough along to need a D & C or anything.  I didn’t even have to have an appointment with my doctor.  I also haven’t had much of an appetite.  And when I do eat, I can’t eat as much without feeling icky. 

A few days later, I was really struggling with the fact that I just flushed my baby down the toilet.  It disgusts me thinking that.  But, what else would I have done.  And honestly I don’t even know when it happened.  Other than what I saw in the toilet at the hospital.  I know the physical body is not where my baby is anyway.  But, it bothered me.  Luke comforted me in reminding me that our baby is with Jesus.  I know this. 

I have been really surprised with how emotional it has been.  And how unemotional I was the first few days.  I have grown closer to God and to Luke through this experience I never thought I would go through.  In fact, I remember I had been praying specifically over the past year or so that I would never experience this.  Almost like I knew that I would, but really hoping I wouldn’t. 

I am completely amazed at how God creates our bodies to take care of things like this.  Child birth amazes me.  I have been reading about miscarriages, including looking at photos.  Not pleasant, but completely amazing at how early a baby looks like a baby!  Incredible.  Here is a great article about a girl that miscarried and shared the images of her unborn baby that she passed naturally.  It is incredible.  I do not understand how anyone can think abortion is ok. 

Luke has been so supportive and we have grown closer because of this.  I am so thankful for him.  He has sent me Bible verses and prayed for me and with me.  I know this has been as hard on him as it has on me.  Different.  But just as hard.  It sucks. 

Besides trusting that God’s plan is better than mine.  I have found comfort from a book called, “Heaven Is For Real” by Todd Burpo.  It’s about a 4 year old who went to heaven.  He shares his experience with his family and how he saw his sister in Heaven.  His sister that his mom had miscarried was in Heaven!  Here is an excerpt about this story.  I am so thankful I read this book this past year.  And for the comfort that my baby is with Jesus and will be waiting for me when I get there!   

I go back for my last test on Monday. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5